Missing in Action
by ericales
Summary: Iruka wasn't above laughing at a drunk man.  KakaIru.


Iruka spent much of his precious free time at Konoha's most popular shinobi bar.

The alcohol was painfully overpriced, and strong enough to make the stoutest of shinobi wince. The bartender was rude, the glasses were smudged, and the bathrooms didn't bear thinking about. The Spinning Shuriken was the worst kind of dive, but it was located in a strategically sound location, and was highly defensible. Such considerations far outweighed trifling matters such as service and cleanliness.

Iruka winced around his first mouthful of beer. He could handle his drink-his jounin-sensei had made sure of that-but the stuff was truly vile. No wonder the floors and tables ended up wet and sticky with spilled drinks so often. Iruka contemplated his bottle thoughtfully, shrugged fatalistically, and took another swig.

Iruka was a highly social person. He gravitated towards popular locations-and everyone ended up at The Spinning Shuriken at some point or another. Whether they wanted to be there or not, Iruka thought wryly as he glanced towards a table across the room from him. There were too many jounin present to comfortably fit around the table, and they sat pressed elbow to elbow, shoulder to shoulder. It would have been a ridiculous sight, if Iruka weren't so aware that the combined forces of the jounin at that particular table could blow The Spinning Shuriken-and every one of her patrons-to pieces.

Although Iruka doubted that Hatake Kakashi-the famed Copy Nin, elite of the elite-could manage more than the most basic of jutsu at the moment. Kakashi was listing to one side, his head dangerously close to Anko's cleavage. She seemed to find the situation hilarious, for Anko snickered as she slid another sake cup into Kakashi's loosely curled hand. His mask was damp around the mouth, and clung precariously to the tip of his nose.

From beneath lowered lashes, Iruka studied the exposed bridge of Kakashi's nose with avid curiosity. It was a nice nose, Iruka thought-a little too thin, a bit crooked, but. . . nice.

Oh, who was he kidding? Iruka would have thought the same even if Kakashi's mask had slipped to expose a pug nose and buck teeth.

He had been staring at Kakashi too long. The man himself was too drunk to notice Iruka's hot gaze, but Anko graced Iruka with a friendly leer. It took every ounce of will he possessed not to stiffen in alarm. Anko ignored Iruka's quelling glare, and drew Kakashi upright by a fistful of mussed silver hair. Anko caught hold of Kakashi's chin, and turned his face in Iruka's direction. Kakashi blinked at him muzzily.

Iruka adjusted his grip on the neck of his beer bottle. Anko liked to joke that if bar fighting was a recognized specialization, Iruka would have made jounin years ago. He would be more than happy to show her what he could do with a broken bottle and a bar stool if she dared say anything to Kakashi that the man certainly didn't need to hear. The threat of a broken beer bottle to the face didn't work on Anko half so well as the act itself would-damn the woman! Her smirk grew wider as she leaned towards Kakashi, her eyes still trained on Iruka as she murmured into Kakashi's ear.

Trying not to appear as panicked as he felt, Iruka looked around the crowded bar in search of allies. Hana had Izumo pinned down in a corner booth; neither of them so much as glanced up at Iruka when he reached out a tendril of chakra in their direction. Kotetsu had disappeared into the washroom some minutes earlier, and had not been seen since. The rest of Iruka's fellow chuunin were similarly distracted. Iruka was outnumbered, outgunned, and on his own.

Retreat was the tactically sound decision. His decision to leave The Spinning Shuriken with all haste had nothing at all to do with the way Iruka's heart had picked up speed when Kakashi looked at him.

He was painfully used to that, after all.

Once outside, Iruka breathed deeply of the cool night air and tried to regain his calm. It would have been easy to go along with Anko's game. He probably would have enjoyed the experience, because Iruka had no doubt that his attraction to Kakashi was entirely requited. No shinobi would spend so much downtime dedicated to flirting and outrageous come-ons if he wasn't interested.

If Iruka was still the reckless young chuunin who had gone through sex partners as easily as alcohol, he would have bedded Kakashi months ago.

No, Iruka had grown into a man who was foolish in an entirely different way.

The scrape of sandals against the street behind him made Iruka tense. Kakashi stood swaying gently beneath the light of a nearby streetlamp. His visible eye was fixed on Iruka-or close enough to count, for a drunk man-and he drew out Iruka's name, long and longing. "Iruka-sensei~" Kakashi said, "I didn't think you so cruel as to abandon a comrade in need."

Desire and tenderness knotted together, Kakashi at the centre of it all. It was with purely noble intentions that Iruka doubled back towards Kakashi. His mask had slid free of his nose, and bunched uncomfortably above Kakashi's upper lip. Despite the chill air, Kakashi's skin felt flushed beneath Iruka's fingertips as he eased the mask back into place.

"Your mask," Iruka explained when Kakashi shuddered at the touch. "You should be careful, or everyone will see what you work so hard to hide."

Kakashi swayed forward, one hand curling around the back of Iruka's neck. "You can keep my face hidden, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi breathed, "with your lips."

Iruka was not above laughing at a drunk man.

Kakashi drew himself up with wounded dignity. "I am being serious, Iruka-sensei."

Deadly jounin should not be permitted to look so adorable, Iruka thought, utterly charmed despite himself. He wanted to nibble on Kakashi's pouting lower lip, feel his body pliant and willing against Iruka's own. Iruka reigned in his impulse to reach for Kakashi, and fit an amused smile to his lips instead. "I find it wisest not to take the ramblings of a drunk man too seriously, Kakashi-san."

"You misunderstand," Kakashi said solemnly, "I'm drunk on love."

Kakashi had relaxed into Iruka's grip. He nearly collapsed when Iruka's hold loosened in his surprise. Drunk was drunk-be it on overpriced booze or love-and Kakashi nearly toppled to his ass without Iruka's supporting arms around him. Iruka caught Kakashi before he could fall, trying not too blush too badly when Kakashi snuggled easily into the curve of his arm-so casually, as if jounin could regularly be found nuzzling against the lower ranks in the middle of a public street.

Iruka quickly drew Kakashi out of the circle of light cast by the streetlamp. There was no need to invite gawkers. All of Konoha would probably know every detail of this encounter by morning, in any case, but Iruka had no intention of making gossip about his private life easy. If only Kakashi were in his right mind, Iruka would have thought it wisest to transport them to his apartment, far away from prying eyes.

Kakashi-his hands currently burrowing beneath Iruka's shirt-was obviously far from being in his right mind. "Umino Iruka," Kakashi said, "will you be my boyfriend? Please say yes so that we can get to the hot sex. I've nearly rubbed my dick raw thinking about you, but I'm sure the real you is even better than-"

Iruka clamped his hand over Kakashi's mouth. His lips were soft and pliant beneath Iruka's palm as Kakashi continued to mumble absolutely filthy secrets that made Iruka's knees shake and his cock harden. Whatever dangers being alone with Kakashi presented, they were nothing compared to having this discussion in public.

Forming the seals for a transportation jutsu had never been so difficult.

"Are you shy, sensei?" Kakashi cooed gently. Iruka fell back onto his couch beneath Kakashi's limp weight. His visible eye was practically sparkling as Kakashi settled himself on Iruka's lap. "Or is it that you're the possessive type? Does it make your blood boil to think of anyone else seeing me? Don't be concerned, sensei~ This is all for you~"

Iruka gave a garbled noise of protest when Kakashi picked up his hand by the wrist. He pressed Iruka's hand against his cock, and undulated, his eyes slitted and his mouth wide and round beneath his mask. Kakashi stilled suddenly, and rocked back so that a sliver of space existed between Iruka's body and his own.

Kakashi looked down at where Iruka's hand was resting, an expression of horror dawning on his face. "It's gone!" he cried in a voice as deeply tragic as any Iruka had ever heard. "My penis! It's not working! How am I going to have sex with you without my penis?"

Iruka's confused lust and unease crystalized into a single response. He threw his head back and howled with helpless laughter.

"You should have seen it," Kakashi said sadly. "It was a good penis. I think you would have liked it. I know it liked you."

He was going to die, Iruka thought: sitting beneath a pouting Copy Nin, choked to death by his own laughter. Perhaps Iruka was drunk, after all. "Maybe you shouldn't have treated it so roughly, Kakashi."

"Would you have been gentle with it? Kissed it all better?" Kakashi asked.

Hopefully Kakashi wouldn't remember this conversation when he sobered up. Iruka turned a heated look towards the other man, though his lips still twitched with amusement. "I would have been very careful with your cock, Kakashi. Very. . . thorough."

"And now it's gone," Kakashi moaned. "Betrayed in my hour of greatest need!"

Iruka ran a soothing hand up and down Kakashi's thigh. "I'm sure it'll be back in no time," he said. "Go to sleep, and I'll keep an eye out for it."

Kakashi slid from Iruka's lap. He curled on his side on the couch, his sandaled feet pressed against Iruka's leg. "You'll know it when you see it," he said. "It's very big."

"I'm sure it is, Kakashi," Iruka murmured.

"Very big," Kakashi said sleepily. "The best."

Iruka smothered his laughter behind his hands. Letting Kakashi spend the night was a bad idea, but he couldn't send him home all alone, drunk and without a penis. Fresh laughter shook Iruka's shoulders. He looked at Kakashi fondly, his heart so full that it ached.

Surely there had never been a greater fool than Umino Iruka.

* * *

><p>Anko leaned closer to Kakashi, her breath hot and urgent against his ear. "Iruka's a tricky one to get close to," she said. "You have to get him to lower his guard. You gotta make him laugh."<p>

Kakashi studied the sake cup Anko set before him. What was a hangover in the grand scheme of things? He'd never been drunk before, but Kakashi was sure he would handle the situation with his usual aplomb.

He lifted his cup to Anko in a salute, and downed the sake.


End file.
